Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Silent But Deadly

Guess what everyone? Sometimes I snort when I laugh. Occasionally I will even snort-laugh in public. Today I even did it in front of two co-workers. Did I deny the snort after it happened? Did I try to pass it off as nothing? No! When Brian asked if I had just snorted, he expected me to do these things, and instead, I owned up! I mean, for crying out loud, it’s just a sound! Everyone can make it!

This brings me to my general beef with natural human noises. Rather, my beef with people who find natural human noises to be UN-natural. For my specific example, I shall refer to a boy that I dated several years ago. I could use a code name for him, but his real name is so ridiculous, I might as well use it: Niles.

In the opinion of Niles, girls were not supposed to be human. Well, they were to be human in that they were nice to look at and fun to canoodle with, but as far as natural bodily functions beyond eating and breathing, they were robots. I am not kidding.

Fairly soon into our short-lived relationship, he informed me that he never wanted me to allude to my “time of the month,” which I guess could be a reasonable request. It’s not something I generally discuss with men, so I agreed. When he stepped it up to include urination and defecation, I again didn’t see much of a problem, but I was a bit confused as to whether or not I could ever use a restroom while we were out together.

However, when he took it to the level of gaseous emissions, I started to have real concerns. Now, not burping or farting in front of someone really is just a manner of good manners in most cases. Plus there is the smell factor. I understand this concept. However, Niles’s logic went a step beyond proper etiquette when he added that he wished to believe that GIRLS simply didn’t do any of those things.

At this point, I had to say something. In his weak defense, he grew up in a household with no sisters, which likely left him ill prepared to deal with the biological truths of the feminine mystique. That said, I was certainly not going to allow his ridiculous notion to persist in my tenure as girlfriend. This is not to say that I started burping in his face, but I had to challenge his double standard.

You see, not only did he wish for me to hold in all manner of gases in his presence and refrain from discussing said gases, but he wanted me to accept and allow that HE could engage in the acts freely and at any time. I’m certainly not a radical feminist, but I know bullsh*t when I hear it.

Yes, I could have just let it all slide and humor his stupidity. However, I have a low tolerance for moronic ideas, and I will certainly not stand for someone I date to spew forth such ludicrous nonsense. In retrospect, this should have been thing that tipped me off that we weren’t going to go the distance, but I think I felt it was my mission to educate him for future girlfriends. Actually, he is now married (I believe), so perhaps I did play a role in his overall enlightenment. Or he is married to a Fem-Bot.

The moral of the story is this: We are all human beings, and human beings have to release things from their systems. Sometimes these things are gas, sometimes they are liquid, and sometimes they are solid. On rare occasions, they can even be a combination. It may not be polite to discuss the details of these things in all types of company, but if you try to deny that they happen to you, you’re inevitably going to end up deeply embarrassed at some point in your life and feel that you’ve somehow failed miserably at life. It’s best to own up to your biological truths and accept them as they happen.

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