Friday, November 5, 2010

How to Dress Your Baby

I would like to take this opportunity to first comment on a very noticeable and yet vaguely alarming trend in baby fashion.  That's right, you heard me correctly.  I said BABY fashion.  You may be thinking, "what does she know, she doesn't have a baby!"  This is true.  It is likely to remain true for quite a while, which means that by the time I am able to accessorize my own infant, fashion trends will likely have changed.

Unlike me, many of my friends have opted to get married and start families.  With the spread of Facebook, it has become increasingly easy to spy on people and look at how the cool babies are dressing these days.  While I am generally a fan of fun and cute baby/toddler/kid clothing and have been known to go overboard in places like BabyGap and Gymboree, I am always drawn to the soft, fluffier side of things.

In my observations, it seems that parents have long struggled with making the gender of their baby obvious to strangers they meet in public places like malls, restaurants, zoos or night clubs.  After all, there is only so much you can do with clothing, and when babies are bundled up in carriers under layers of blankets, their heads are sometimes the only thing visible.

To combat the potential gender confusion, parents have tried many different accessories, usually aimed at showing the femininity of the baby, unless the baby's older sister has interfered and put some of her dress-up clothes on her baby brother.  (I may speak from experience on this point.)  Back in the 80's and 90's the fashion item de rigeur was a little bow or flower that was glued to the baby's bald noggin.  I was always a little weirded out by the thought of putting adhesive on a baby's head.  This is likely due to the intense warnings I was always given about the fragility of baby's skulls and the dangerous "soft spot." 

It seems that modern society has also caught on to the potential issues involved with putting glue on a baby's skin and has opted for a more natural route.  I am referring, of course, to the elastic headband that is usually accompanied by a fake blossom or bow of varying size.  Some of these flowers/bows are of normal/actual size and don't look wholly incongruous on an infant's head.  For some reason, several of the designers and parents have opted for flowers/bows that are actually close to or bigger than the size of the child's head.

Here is an example of what I mean:

Alarming, no?
 In these cases, it is not so much the fact that the baby is wearing a headband or flower that disturbs me, it is the ratio of baby to accessory that seems a bit indecent.  It almost suggests to me that someone is trying to compensate for the fact that they feel their baby is not as cute as it should be and therefore needs an overwhelming amount of pretty/cute assistance to make people find it adorable.  While I certainly cannot say that all babies are created equal on the cuteness scale, I don't think that they need adornments such as this to increase their appeal. 

For me, baby outfits that are humorous or fit in with a theme are much more interesting.  I have therefore taken the liberty of designing some baby fashions of my own.  Feel free to utilize them if you want to work up a prototype, just remember, I expect to be credited both in name and in cash.

Design #1:  Guerilla Baby

I don't know what it is about camouflage that I find so darn cool, but I do.  I also think that baby headscarves are the next big trend.

Design #2:  Mommy's Little Shopping Buddy

It's pretty simple:  women love handbags and they also love babies.  Why not combine the two?  Think of the potential designer options!!!!

Design #3:  Day of Destruction

What is better than Godzilla?  A BABY dressed as Godzilla!!!  As an additional suggestion, if you have twins, dress the other child as Mothra and let them battle it out, baby-style.  It would be epic.

Design #4:  Super Stealth Mode


Who wouldn't want the protection of a tiny infant ninja-warrior?  I know I would!  For those who may have concerns about giving weapons to babies, please know that the nunchuks pictured here would be made of super-safe plush material that in no way could be a choking hazard. 

To conclude, let's all agree that having your own little living fashion plate to display to the world is an awesome responsibility.  Just consider it one of the many fringe benefits of being a parent.  Have some fun with it!  One day you will wake up and they will not only NOT let you pick out their clothes but they will reject any and all suggestions you make about their fashion choices as uncool.  Carpe diem!


I just had to keep going - the ideas are still coming!

Design #5:  Drink Up

I know wine always puts ME in a better mood!  Just to be clear, the wine glass in the bambino's hand is shatterproof plastic.  I would never endanger the lives of children - they are the future!

Design #6:  Perk Me Up

Yay!  I should warn you, this cup of coffee will NOT fit in your car's cupholders.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious!!! I really want the baby guerilla outfit for Owen - who doesn't love a baby in camo :)!