Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Fashion Police

Hold on, everyone.  It's about to get all controversial up in here.

So yesterday I had dinner at my parents' house because my brother came to town unexpectedly and my mom likes to have family dinners.  She even made potato soup.

I arrived at the house after work to find my brother on the computer composing an "email," and my mother was literally twitching with excitement to share the joy of her newest purchase.  Normally I am well aware of the things my mother wants and hopes to own.  In this case, I was completely caught off-guard.

Here is how it started.

Mom:  Guess what I bought today?

Me:  (Looks around the kitchen nervously)  What?

Mom:  (Pulls up jean leg to reveal a knee-high brown leather boot)  I got BOOTS!

Me:  (Raises eyebrows)  I didn't know you were planning to get boots.

Mom:  I was!  I bought them with my tip money!  They're super comfortable, which is good because I have such bad feet!

Me:  Oh.  What brand are they?

Mom:  Frey (sp) - I got them at Nordstroms. 

Me:  Why did you get brown?  Why not black?

Mom:  Well, I originally wanted black, but everyone liked me in these so much.

Me:  Everyone?

Mom:  Everyone at the store.

So it could have ended there with the boots.  The boots are fine aside from the fact that I was a bit blind-sided by the fact that she even wanted them.  Let us be clear on this point:  I have no problem with the boots.  OK?

But it did not end there.  Oh no.  Now is where it starts to get crazy.

Mom:  So now I think I am going to get some jeggings to wear with my boots.

Me:  WHAT!!!!!  Are you kidding????

Mom:  What do you mean?  Jeggings are cute!  Jan and Susan have them!  I have nice legs!

Me:  (Sigh)  Yes, you do have nice legs.  But jeggings are from the devil.  NO ONE looks good in them.  Anyone who says otherwise is just kidding themselves.  All jeggings should be thrown into the Lake of Fire.  They are a sure sign of the Apocalypse.

Mom:  No!  They are cute!  What is your problem?

Me:  Cute?  Absolutely not.  You are not getting jeggings.  I am putting my foot down.

(At this point, my brother decides to enter the conversation briefly.)

Mikey:  Umm... what ARE jeggings?

Mom:  They are leggings that look like jeans - they have pockets.

Mikey:  What are leggings?

Me:  Pants that fit like tights.  Think spandex.  Then imagine it in jean form, but don't think about it too much because your eyeballs might explode.

Mom:  Whatever!  They are totally cute and lots of people wear them.  What is wrong with you?

Me:  What is wrong with ME?  First of all, the skinny jean fad.  Just gross.  It's like everyone wants to walk around looking like coked-out junkies with frog legs.  It is just NOT flattering.  On anyone.  Unless you're trying to look silly or have lost a dare.  Then they took it one step further and created jeggings.  Why was that necessary?  To create regrettable photographs that people will one day look back and ask, "what was I THINKING?"  Maybe it's a conspiracy.

Mom:  (Clearly irritated)  I don't care.  I just won't wear them around you.

This conversation actually went on a bit longer as I tried to convince my mother that she should keep our family jegging-free, but I'm not sure she was listening at that point.  I have a tendency to get worked up over important issues and it's hard for some people to understand my passion.

So the evening continued.  Dinner was prepared and finally my father arrived home from work so that we could eat.  As my father walked into the kitchen, here is what happened.

Me:  Guess what Mom bought today?

Dad:  Boots.  She already told me.

Me:  And guess what she WANTS to buy?  JEGGINGS!

Mom:  He doesn't even know what they are!

Dad:  Yes, I do!  They are RIDICULOUS!

At this point, I raised my arms in victory.  I may have overdone it a bit.  My mom was already quite annoyed with me at that point, so I kept my rant a bit shorter than before.  We ate our dinner in peace.

Now that I have shared this with you, dear readers, I must prepare myself for the backlash.  Will I get a ton of hate-mail from jegging-lovers worldwide?  Will someone dump a box of the wretched items on my driveway in protest?  Will I be kidnapped and forced to wear jeggings while eating at a fancy restaurant or doing yard work?

Probably not.

The most likely form of backlash will come in the form of my mother (who is one of my regular readers) seeing this entry and going out to purchase a pair of the Apocalypse-inducing frogleg evil Bieber raisin celery demon pants just to teach me a lesson.  I will let you know how that works out. 

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