Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Lena Speaks

I apologize for my absence.  Please know that I started several entries only to be sidetracked by things like life.  And sleep. 

So in my stead, Lena will be composing this blog entry.

Howdy, Humans!  This is Lena Bernice, canine extraordinaire.  After all those nights trying to distract Megan from her blog to pay attention to meeeee by dramatically throwing myself across the glowing shiny box that she stares at for way more time than should be necessary, I am finally in CHARGE.

It's been a big week for me.  Honestly, it's been a big year for me, but you probably know all about that already.  Actually, time is really non-linear to me, so I don't think in terms of weeks, months, days, years, and so on.  I am pretty much an "in the moment" kind of gal.  But for you guys, I will stretch my powers of memory.

Last week I had a bit of tummy troubles.  To be fair, Megan had them first.  But because my spoken language skills are a bit lacking, I was not able to tell anyone what was really wrong. 

Megan did not seem too thrilled with the fluid that kept coming out of my mouth and landing on her bed and floor.  Next thing I knew, we were in the travel machine and when I was released, we were at my favorite place.  The place where Pippi and Thor live: the Happy Place.  The place where I am free to dig up worms and cover myself with their scent. 

Unfortunately, we did not stay here long.  After I deposited some more mouth fluid on the floor, I went back into the travel machine.  We went to a place that smelled like fear.  They poked and prodded me on a shiny table.  Then... horrors... Megan LEFT me! 

It felt like forever, but in the meantime, I made new friends.  It is amazing what some tail wagging can do for you in a joint like that. 

Megan came back and we went back to the Happy Place.  People came and went, as is their custom, but Pippi, Thor and I did not care.  We went about our business, sleeping, eating, chasing, barking, hunting and mulching without a care in the world.

On what Megan says is "Friday," I had to make another trip to a different building that smelled and sounded like torture and fear.  This time, I must have managed to scare them off because all they did was poke me with a couple of strange objects and we were free to go.  I did feel a little sore afterwards, but I kept the humans from touching the soreness by growling and screeching like a wounded Tyrannosaurus Rex.  Megan said I sounded like a gremlin.  Whatever that is.

Not too long after this, I noticed that Megan and the human she calls "Dad" were acting strangely.  Next thing I knew, they were forcing us all into our Garments of Forced Direction and attaching our tethers.  Pippi, Thor and I are always a bit leery of this action as it can have results of varying appeal. 

In this case, it meant that we were all going into a travel machine with Megan and "Dad."  Megan sat in the front near the large circle, but "Dad" sat in the seat with us.  Pippi sat on top of "Dad," but Thor and I laid down on the seat and tried to nap. 

After what felt like an eternity, the travel machine stopped.  This is my cue to bark as loud and as viciously as possible to ward off any potential predators that may want to ambush us.  It usually works quite well. 

We spent a lot of time getting in and out of the travel machine.  Sometimes we got out and went into familiar buildings.  One of them smelled really interesting.  Apparently the smell was not as appealing to Megan and "Dad" as they did not wish to stay there long. 

I did get to see two of my favorite people:  Ben and Joe.  They are always very nice and play with me and pet me.  There are two "cats" in their house.  I would like to know them better, but they are a bit standoffish.  They are not fans of butt sniffing.  Go figure.

Finally, the travel machine brought us back to the Happy Place.  We did some running and rolling, but we were tired.  If you can believe it, Megan and I got back into the travel machine and ended up back at home. 

Clearly, we were both pooped.  Megan tried to tap on the glowing shiny box to work on this blog, but her eyes kept glazing over.  We gave in and went to bed. 

In the morning, we went outside wearing the Garment of Forced Direction and the tether and paraded around the neighborhood.  We then returned to the house where I breakfasted and then watched Megan "get ready" with what I hoped was a mournful gaze.  Instead of letting me have free run of the house when she finally abandoned me, she asked me to return to my KENNEL. 

I suffered this indignity only because I know that it enables me to receive copious amounts of crunchy snacks. 

When she returned after what felt like ETERNITY, we went for our afternoon parade.  After coming home and dining, Megan disappeared into the smelly dark room where the travel machine lives and came back with a LARGE object.

Once it was on the floor, I examined it.  It appeared to be a larger version of my kennel.  Just to be sure, I went in as Megan requested and was rewarded with crunchy snacks.  My incarceration was short-lived, but I fear that there may be extended stays in my future.  On the plus side, the ceiling of this k-word is higher and the floor is bigger.  I can stretch out in there and do a little jig if I so please (and I do).

What will the future bring?  I hardly know.  If I had to guess, there will be more parading and eventually we will (hopefully) return to the Happy Place.  This new k-word along with all the newly washed sheets and carpets are really cramping my scent.  I need to roll in some worms.

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